A Surplus of Light Read online

  Feeling my way carefully through the dark of the woods, I did my best to not fall and break my leg as I made my way to the creek mostly by memory. When I approached the creek, the swath that it cut through the woods was a haven of blue light, where some of the light cast by the moon and stars could actually pierce through the woods. I could see Ian’s dark figure standing on the bank of the creek, waiting for me. The smile that bloomed on my face was immediate and painful. I felt like my face would split.

  When I got closer to Ian, his head turned ever so slightly at the sound of my approach. He smiled, the white of his teeth and his eye caught that blue light. He was already stripped down to his swimsuit. A warm breeze blew through the path that the creek cut through the woods and his hair was ruffled, falling into his eyes. He reached up and pushed it back gracefully as I came to stand beside him.

  “Took you long enough.” He said.

  “I left my house right at midnight to be sure I wouldn’t get caught,” I whispered.

  “There’s no one here to hear us, Mike.” He chuckled.

  “Right.” I cleared my throat.

  “I want you to see something.” He said. “Come on.”

  “Okay.”

  I expected him to lead me into the woods or further along the creek. Instead, he shimmied down into the creek. I shrugged and followed him down into the water. It was still warm from the sun beating down on it all day long. Ian slowly eased himself all the way under the water. I followed his lead and dunked myself under. We both rose up out of the water at the same time, our hair plastered to our heads. In unison, we pushed our hair back on our heads. Ian smiled at me, then held a finger to his lips.

  “Stay very still.”

  I didn’t answer but stayed as still as possible.

  We were quiet and still for a very long time.

  “There,” Ian whispered and pointed.

  Something black swooped from a tree on one side of the creek, down to the water, then back up into a tree on the other side of the creek. Then another black thing. Then another. Then another. Dozens of these black things swooped down and nearly flew into the water, but rose right before, back into the trees.

  “What are those?” I whispered.

  “Mexican Free-Tailed Bats.” He chuckled lowly.

  I froze.

  “They won’t hurt us.” He whispered. “They’re catching bugs—their dinner.”

  I became a little less tense.

  “This is the best time to see them. Pretty soon, they’ll be migrating back to Mexico for the winter.” He whispered. “Right now, the pups are learning to hunt and forage and take care of themselves.”

  I watched the bats for several minutes, standing still in the water so as to not disturb the surface. Ian smiled up at the bats as they swooped down to catch bugs at the water’s surface. My fear of the bats quickly abated and I found myself smiling each time another bat swooped down, inky black in the darkness, then swooped back up. Some looked as big as birds, others were relatively tiny. Those must have been the “pups”.

  “It’s kind of beautiful,” I whispered.

  Ian nodded.

  “Is this why you come out here at night?”

  “No,” Ian whispered back. “You can only guarantee that you’ll see the bats in late August. I just come here for peace and quiet.”

  “I’m here.”

  “You don’t bother me so much.” He turned his head slowly to smile at me.

  Against all instinct, all nature or nurture, I found my hand sliding slowly through the water to Ian’s. He looked down, surprised as I grabbed his hand. Then he looked over at me. His eyes looked black in the dark as they met mine. But as my fingers slid between his, he accepted my hand. We stared at each other for a very long time, then turned our attention back to the bats, our hands still together. The bats fed for several minutes. And it was the most glorious and exhilarating minutes of my life up until that moment.

  After several minutes, the appearance of the bats got further and further apart, until it was apparent that they were done for the night. I turned to my best friend, took his face in my hands, and pressed my lips against his. He stood there passively as my lips pressed amateurishly against his, our bodies against each other’s. It was the most titillating experience of my life. When I felt Ian’s hand slide up and press against my chest, something in my head said: “This is it.”

  But then he gently pushed me away, separating our lips.

  “I’m sorry.” Is what came out of my mouth, but my body tried moving towards his again.

  “Whoa.” He smiled at me, holding his hand against my chest.

  The strength he mustered up with ease let me know how hard he must have been able to punch when he had to. Carson’s eye had been black for two weeks. I never would have been able to push past that arm unless he willed it. That, too, was arousing.

  “I think you’ve had enough of bats.” He teased.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again.

  “Don’t be sorry.” He said, his hand still on my chest.

  “Did you…did you like it?” I looked down.

  “You’re a fair to good kisser, Mike.” He said. “But I won’t do this with you. I won’t do that to you.”

  “Won’t—or don’t want to?” I asked, looking up.

  “Won’t.” He replied simply. “I’m…I’m…”

  He took a long time trying to find the right words—which was unnerving. Ian always had the most perfect words.

  “I’m your best friend.”

  “That doesn’t sound like it’s what you wanted to say.”

  “It isn’t.” He agreed. “But it’s what I’m going to say. For now.”

  “Will you kiss me again?” I asked gently. “Before the end?”

  “What does that mean?” He frowned.

  “Before you decide you don’t want to be my friend anymore.”

  “Why would I decide to stop being your friend?” He laughed like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard.

  I shrugged. I shivered.

  Ian considered me for a moment.

  “Yes.” He said. “I’ll kiss you again before the end.”

  We got out of the creek after a quick swim, dried off as best we could, pulled our clothes on, and walked through the woods in silence. When we got to the edge of the woods, Ian took my hand in his again, lacing our fingers together, and looked into my eyes for several minutes. Then he let go and headed off in one direction while I headed in the other. I only looked back a few dozen times, watching his figure cut through the dark.

  I didn’t see Ian all Sunday. Even though I went to the store, to the creek, to the field where we laid on top of hay bales, our special places in the woods. He was nowhere to be found. And I had no idea where he lived, so I couldn’t just stop by and knock on a door. He had never given me a phone number, which in and of itself was weird. But, while I was internally panicking, I knew that I’d see him in school, so I swallowed my panic.

  When Monday came, and I walked into high school for the first time with my friends, I was overwhelmed. In a good way. I was a high school student—and I had the cool friends. And I had a best friend who was even cooler than all of them—even if he wasn’t the psycho that they had labeled him. Ten minutes before the first bell, Ian walked in the front doors as I was closing my locker. There was nothing in it yet, but I had just been making sure that I remembered my combination given to me at orientation.

  Ian walked through the main hall, other kids going out of their way to make a path for him. He stared straight ahead, not seeming to notice the effect he had on the other students. Indifferent to the stares and whispers and wide-gaped mouth looks. When he got closer, I smiled widely and raised my hand in a wave. Ian looked over at me blankly, as if he didn’t know who I was. And then he was gone. His lip had been split. His perfect lip.

  I only ever saw my…best friend?...at lunchtime my whole freshmen year. We didn’t have a single class together. Apparentl
y, he was in the advanced placement classes. He didn’t take any “regular” classes with the rest of the “normal” students. And he always sat at the end of some lunch table, as far away from anyone else that he could. Sometimes, Kevin, the kid he had protected in the woods would sit down with him. Ian didn’t talk to him much, but Kevin talked to Ian a lot. After a few minutes, Kevin’s older brother would come and pull him away from the table. He’d speak angrily to Ian for a second while Ian just stared at him impassively.

  Once Kevin and his brother were gone, Ian would just go back to eating his lunch. At least every other week, Ian would come to school with a split lip, or a bruise, or red eyes. But he never said a word to anyone unless forced. He stared straight ahead and went from one class to another, to his locker, to lunch, as if there were no other students around. When Kevin tried to talk to him at lunch, Ian would do his best to ignore him. Until Kevin’s brother came and pulled him away again. After a few months, Kevin’s brother stopped being angry with Ian and wouldn’t speak to him, but he still wouldn’t let Kevin sit with Ian.

  A few times I had found myself leaving the lunch line, drawn to the half-empty end of the table Ian was stationed at, with no one to talk to. When he’d see me approaching, he’d look up at me with a blank stare. He’d stop chewing his food and just stare until I lost my resolve and went to the table I usually sat at with my friends. I began to hate my friend. Not real hate. But he wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me unless it was to run me off. And I never saw him outside of school for the entire school year.

  Chapter 4

  Ian

  My hands rested on Mike’s hips as he kissed me deeply, passionately, four years of unexpressed passion bleeding into my mouth. I kissed him back, doing my part in this activity that meant so much to him. To our friendship. I wanted to melt into his body, to feel myself push against him like he pushed against me. Instead, I kept my hands on his hips and returned his kiss as controlled and measured as I could manage. Mike’s hands went from my face, down to my neck, then around to my shoulders. Then they were sliding lower and he was cupping my ass.

  That was the furthest I’d let him go since we’d met.

  “You said you wouldn’t try other things.” I pulled my face away gently.

  It was ironic, considering what I felt poking against my stomach.

  “Please?” He whispered.

  I returned my mouth to his, picking up where we left off. His tongue rolled into my mouth and I accepted it, let my tongue mingle with his as an involuntary moan escaped his throat. His hands were squeezing my ass and his mouth seemed to be feeding upon me. His groin was straining against the front of his swimsuit and jabbing me in the stomach. Then his hands were rising to the small of my back and his fingers began to snake their way into the waistband of my swimsuit.

  “Okay, handsy.” I pushed away gently, putting a few inches between us.

  It wasn’t nearly enough space.

  “I said ‘please’.” He grinned evilly at me. “And you acquiesced.”

  “Someone learned something studying for his SATs.” I teased, my hand against his chest.

  “I just listen to you talk.” He replied.

  I started to pull away.

  “Don’t.” Mike pleaded as he grabbed my hand and held it against him.

  “Mike…”

  “Just tonight, Ian.” He closed his eyes as his face twisted up in longing. “Just let me have tonight. Please.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Just be with me.”

  “I’d kind of like to know what that entails.” That’s what I meant to say. Instead, I said: “Okay.”

  Then Mike’s mouth was back on mine, invading mine with his tongue and his hands were sliding down the back of my swimsuit. The flesh of his hands connected with the flesh of my ass and he pushed his groin into my stomach as we knelt in the water and kissed. My hand wandered from his chest down to his stomach, then both of my hands were on his stomach, exploring the soft flesh there, before moving around to his back.

  “Lower.” Mike breathed against my mouth before kissing me more.

  I acquiesced and lowered my hands, running them over the mounds of Mike’s ass, cupping him in my hands, pulling his groin into my stomach forcefully. He groaned against my mouth, his hands squeezing my ass as he did his best to drink me in. Then his hands were moving around to the front of my swimsuit and his fingers began pulling at the front waistband. When I pulled away this time, it was more forceful and I backed up more than a few inches.

  “Don’t.” Mike pleaded.

  “Let’s just calm down for a minute,” I said, controlling my voice. “Or several.”

  “I’m not trying to force you into anything, Ian.” He said.

  “You couldn’t,” I replied instinctively.

  “I know that, Ian.” He nodded. “But you know what I meant.”

  I nodded back after a moment.

  “I just wish you’d stop fighting against me.” He sighed. “You can posture and pose any way you want, but there’s no reason to hold back anymore. Let’s just have this one night. You’ll be gone in a few months anyway.”

  “There’s the crux of the problem.”

  “If I’m willing to get my heart broken, the least you can do is agree to be the one who breaks it.” He replied.

  I really had no response for that. Mike wasn’t a fifteen-year-old kid who thought that the world around him was the same as the world he knew at home. He’d learned things. He knew things. He had witnessed things. He was no longer innocent and bright-eyed and unable to understand how ugly the world could be. He knew why I was the way that I was—even if he acted like he didn’t understand.

  If he wanted his heart broken, who was I to deny him? I was his best friend, that was who I was. If I broke his heart, it might be the last shred of goodness I had left in my heart that would be sloughed away. Mike might survive, but I wasn’t so sure that I would. That’s what made me put my hand against his chest to push him away, time after time. That’s what made me control myself around him. It wasn’t fear of what it might do to him—it was fear of whether or not it would be the end of me.

  “You are unbearable.” I hissed.

  “This is your fifth summer being my best friend.” He smiled. “I think one more night won’t be impossible for you to endure me.”

  “I don’t endure you, you jerk.” I sunk neck deep in the water.

  “Then…what do you do?”

  He moved inches closer but was cautious this time.

  “I count down school days.” I hissed at him again. “I endure whispers and stares and angry shouts and fists thrown and legs kicked out. I endure being the only person who stands up to the jerks of this fucking town. I endure split lips and black eyes. I endure…I endure a lot of things—but you’re not one of them.”

  Mike didn’t move closer.

  “I haven’t seen a bruise on you since right after school started,” Mike whispered. “And that was just your knuckles.”

  “I resolved that situation.” I glared at him.

  “I know. Do you want to talk about it?” Mike asked.

  “No.” I snapped. “I don’t.”

  Mike paused. But just briefly.

  “I know that you know that I know about that.” He whispered.

  “Everyone knows, Mike.” I couldn’t help but let a bitter laugh escape my throat. “That doesn’t make you special.”

  “What makes me special is that I think I was the last to know.” Mike didn’t react to my anger. “You didn’t care who knew. Except me. You tried to protect me from that.”

  I just glared at him.

  “I know that you resolved that situation.” Mike continued. “I was there that night. Like I wish I’d been every night.”

  “I know you were.” I sighed. “But I figured if you were still playing dumb, I would, too.”

  Mike smiled pitifully at me.

  “Everyone in this town may as well have bee
n there. Every single night.” I spat. “Because everyone knew. And no one cared. They were happier making stories up about me than facing the truth. Rather than doing the right thing. I was just one kid with a problem that was too…messy…to deal with. Easy to ignore. Easy to pretend that everything was fine. So…if you want me tonight…you can have me. ‘Cause that’s all I have left in me. And if I’m going to give the last of myself to someone—it should be you.”

  “I don’t want you to give yourself to me, Ian.” Mike was in front of me now. “I want you to share yourself with me.”

  “It is summer.” I clenched my teeth.

  “It always has the most light.” He laid his forehead against mine.

  I sighed. “The best time to see me.”

  “I see all of you all of the time,” Mike whispered against my mouth. “Even here. Right now. In the dark.”

  I didn’t move away.

  “I saw you every day in the hallways at school. Sitting at the lunch table alone. Ignoring Kevin. Not standing up and punching his brother in the face, no matter what insult he hurled at you. I saw you hold your head up against all of the stares and whispers and insults hurled your way, not giving a shit the whole way.”

  “I gave quite a few shits, actually.”

  “Well, you didn’t let them know that.” He smiled against my mouth. “You were a tough bastard all through high school. Never once did anyone do or say anything to you that made you lose control. But you stood up for others…even when they didn’t deserve it. You won.”

  “Winning doesn’t matter if you’re broken afterwards,” I replied.

  “You’re not broken.” He said. “At least, not for long.”

  “Are you trying to finish putting me back together?” I pulled my face back to glare at him. “Is that what this is about tonight?”

  Mike grabbed my head and pulled me into him, kissing me tenderly on the lips. I let him.

  “It’s about letting you know that someone would have cared.” He whispered as he pulled back from my mouth. “If you had just let him.”

  I stared at him.